"There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

"Life has no rehearsals, only performances."

"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

"I have harnessed the shadows that stride from world to world to sow death and madness..."

"Every women needs at least 4 animals. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass that pays for everything."

"Nixon is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar....He's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides."

"To get the best out of a man go to what is best in him."