"The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted."

"Never get married while you're going to college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake."

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

"Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people."

"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket."

"In a minute there is time for decision and revisions that a minute will reverse."

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself."

"Let me have men about me that are fat, Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep o' nights: Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous."

"The real giants have been poets, men who jumped from facts into the realm of imagination and ideas."

"I have a suspicion that the definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore."

"The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage."